Yet another speech without revealing what's going on inside. Its a common point of feedback that I get from my speeches. They lack a certain involvement of emotion. Sure, my talks are interesting to listen to, and apparently I make good connection with my audience but to a shrewd evaluator my speeches lack a personal touch. Its true, I do hold back. In my last speech, just last Thursday, I had the objective of telling the group about how my high performance leadership project went, a 7 minute post-mortum. I talked about the project, its aims and why it was such a good experience. I talked about my project in organizing workshops for Toastmasters by Toastmasters. Moreover, I mentioned the lessons that I learned in working with people. However, Jeurgen, my shrewd evaluator, commented on how he missed examples of how those lessons came to be so important to me. He missed a testimonial of at least one learning moment. On reflection he's right, and apparently noticed by others, I do skip on the detail of my feelings. The only thing is, I'm not sure I want to go there, I'm not sure I want to bring my inside out, so to speak. I know I make a conscious decision to manage my emotions and pride myself in some emotional intelligence. Oh, ok, perhaps, I could just let out an occasional moment of losing control, heck it happens quite often, though not always apparent to others around me.
Today is an example of exactly that. I lost control of the situation and went running around like a headless chook trying to get it all under control again. Just for the exercise, I will try to add some "colour" to this story entitled "Inside out". In other words I won't skip on the detail and I'll let you in. Just this once.
Despite it being a Sunday morning, my alarm went off energetically at 7. Just the way it was programmed to do so. I lazily turn it off and thought that I had better get up to prepare the house for my singing teacher. Yes, I found a singing teacher. Last Friday, I had a chance meeting with a Russian singer and we later arranged a first lesson for 11 am this morning. As you can imagine, I was quite excited, because not only is this lady a singing teacher, but Russian too. I have been longing for a chance to find my roots, learn more about my family's language, culture and why not through song. On the way home on Friday, Rita taught me a simple folk song, Kalinka and its been in my head ever since. "Ka-lin-ka, ka-lin-ka, ka-lin-ka ma-ya, f sa-du ya-go-da ma-lin-ka, ma-lin-ka ma-ya. So with Rita coming at 11 I had plenty of time to shower, eat and clean up.
10:30 and I'm feeling a little stressed, still need to finish the bathroom and will meet Rita at the train station in 30mins. Just quickly empty the bins before tackling the bathroom.
I ran down the stairs, went outside and felt the cool strong wind. It may rain, better take an umbrella when I go to the station. Ok, bin empty, back to the bathroom I ran, well walked quickly, in my head I was running up the stairs and ...bugger! the wind had blown the door shut. No problem, keys are in my pocket. SH@#$$$TT!!! the keys are NOT in my pocket and F@#%^&K, I'm locked out!!!! 10:40, 20 mins to sort it all out. Oh, thank god, my phone is in my pocket, and car keys. Explaining why car and house keys are not together will take another sentence or two and right now I don't have the time, gotta keep the flow going and especially the emotions. Now, I start pacing up and down, I do this when I don't quite know what direction I should go in. Ok, the keys are with the landlord, I don't have their number but I vaguely know where they live. Anke knows both the address and number and though in Berlin at the moment, it shouldn't be too hard to reach her on the phone. Bugger! No answer, she must be out with the kids. Thilo! he should know how to get to Anke. Come on Thilo, answer the phone.....My god, doesn't anyone answer the phone on Sundays!!! Shit, 10:45, Rita will be at the station in a few minutes and I can't get into the house. What the hell is that number for Telekom. Can never remember it when I need it. Maybe someone walking past will know. I'm sure I can find the number and address of our landlord if I can get to the Telekom directories. Nicola! My ace. He's back in Darmstadt and always there to bail me out. Ring ring, ring ring...."Nicola, thank god you answered, listen I need to get a number and......., ..thanks Nicola, you're a gem." Ok, got the address and number. First, pickup Rita and apologize for the hassle. Not quite the perfect first impression, but heck, it happens, ....to me and I'm sure she will get a chuckle out of it.
At the station,
Train arrives promptly at 11. I check out every person getting off the train. I know it was dark when I met Rita but I don't recognize her amongst those now leaving. Mmm, maybe she missed the train, next one in 14 mins. Oh heck, maybe she got off at the next station, I made the point just as I dropped her off on Friday, to get off 1 station before. Better jump in the car and race there in case she's waiting. Ok, I'm here, no Rita! Could she have taken a train from this station back to the other? maybe she saw me waiting at the station but couldn't get off in time and then took a train back. Ok, better go back to the original meeting point. Yes, I know. It would be easier to just ring, and dah, I did get her contact details, I'm not dumb. I just left the note she scribbled down inside the house! So I can't bloody well ring her, so bugger off let me get back to the story. I make it back to the original meeting point and there's no sign of her. My pulse rate starts to come down and I think that now I need to get the key. Ring Ring, Ring Ring, who the hell is that, Rita? Nicola? Anke?...."Hi Anke, (very calmly), oh, its nothing, I just locked myself out but I have the address now, its ok. Thanks for ringing back, no no, I have the number. Yes, it won't hurt to have you sms the numbers, but really, I have it all under control. Ok, love you too, ciao" Where the hell is Rita!!!@@##!!
Ok, no need to wait for Anke's sms, I have the number from Nicola's quick search on the internet.....06-blah-blah-blah-blah...what the F@#$%K!!! its a fax number! that ain't gonna help me. At least I know the address is right. I'll just go there and see if they are in.
At the Landlord's apartment.
No. 6....Ah, here it is. "Ding dong".....wait, wait, wait.....Mmm, should I try again, maybe they are....whatever, "ding dong"....wait, wait...Hallo,..."Ah, its me, I mean, (calmly) "Entschudigung Fr. M###, Der wind hat gemacht das Tur zu und mein schlussel ist noch drin". after a moments pause. Ah, Hr. A### das ist nicht schlim, ein augen blick, bitte. Ok, so I get the key and promise to return it asap. "Bip bip" Umm, that must be Anke's sms. Yep, with a different number for the landlord to what Nicola gave me. I would have needed it after all if I didn't have the address. Women, they just know, I don't know how they know, but they just know.
Ok, now let's find out what happened to Rita.
Back inside the house.
Now, where is that bloody house key? "YOU belong in my pocket, and where is my note book?"
Ah, here it is..."Ring ring, Hallo Rita. Wo bist du, sind sie ok?" "Ah, it kann nicht heute kommen....ich habe nicht dein number und es tut mei Leid" "No, no, its ok, I understand......" I said calmly. Let's make another time, Oh, and by the way I found your Kalinka song on the internet and I bravely start singing over the phone to my new singing teacher."Kalinka, kalinka, kalinka, maya...." Now, I am sure she thinks I surely need help. "Oh, that's nice, we can go through it next time."
Of course I'm actually bloody well relieved she didn't make it!!! And, just how do I feel, Umm, exhausted?, yes maybe, relieved, to a point yes, upset, well not really, this morning chaos is not quite what I had in mind for today, but you know what, I'm use to it. I live my life dealing with small and large calamities, I never know quite when things will go pear shaped but I know it will happen again, probably sooner than I think. And, when it does, I will manage to get through it without going insane, cos I've done it before, not lost my cool, kept things in as much order as is possible in a crisis. Whether it be being locked out of the house, moments before a visitor is expected to arrive, or a car prang with people lying on the ground, my time in St. Johns ambulance gave me a good sense of emotional intelligence, over 5 years of practice in the field dealing with car accidents, bbq burns, collapsed people in church or whatever. Add that to my nature of things do go wrong, I am comfortable with it and sometimes when I give a speech, I gloss over the emotional stress and maybe my testimonials are a little superficial. I think its because having these moments of frustration, difficulty and stress happen so often that when I fall, I don't reflect too deeply in the horizontal position, I get up, dust myself off and get on with life. And in this case, add it to my blog.
How do you handle your pear shaped days, do you let your emotional insides out?
Cheers
yabby.
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