Insides out

Yet another speech without revealing what's going on inside.  Its a common point of feedback that I get from my speeches. They lack a certain involvement of emotion. Sure, my talks are interesting to listen to, and apparently I make good connection with my audience but to a shrewd evaluator my speeches lack a personal touch. Its true, I do hold back. In my last speech, just last Thursday, I had the objective of telling the group about how my high performance leadership project went, a 7 minute post-mortum. I talked about the project, its aims and why it was such a good experience. I talked about my project in organizing workshops for Toastmasters by Toastmasters. Moreover, I mentioned the lessons that I learned in working with people. However, Jeurgen, my shrewd evaluator, commented on how he missed examples of how those lessons came to be so important to me. He missed a testimonial of at least one learning moment. On reflection he's right, and apparently noticed by others, I do skip on the detail of my feelings. The only thing is, I'm not sure I want to go there, I'm not sure I want to bring my inside out, so to speak. I know I make a conscious decision to manage my emotions and pride myself in some emotional intelligence. Oh, ok, perhaps, I could just let out an occasional moment of losing control, heck it happens quite often, though not always apparent to others around me.

Today is an example of exactly that. I lost control of the situation and went running around like a headless chook trying to get it all under control again. Just for the exercise, I will try to add some "colour" to this story entitled "Inside out". In other words I won't skip on the detail and I'll let you in. Just this once.

Despite it being a Sunday morning, my alarm went off energetically at 7. Just the way it was programmed to do so. I lazily turn it off and thought that I had better get up to prepare the house for my singing teacher. Yes, I found a singing teacher. Last Friday, I had a chance meeting with a Russian singer and we later arranged a first lesson for 11 am this morning. As you can imagine, I was quite excited, because not only is this lady a singing teacher, but Russian too. I have been longing for a chance to find my roots, learn more about my family's language, culture and why not through song. On the way home on Friday, Rita taught me a simple folk song, Kalinka and its been in my head ever since. "Ka-lin-ka, ka-lin-ka, ka-lin-ka ma-ya, f sa-du ya-go-da ma-lin-ka, ma-lin-ka ma-ya. So with Rita coming at 11 I had plenty of time to shower, eat and clean up.
10:30 and I'm feeling a little stressed, still need to finish the bathroom and will meet Rita at the train station in 30mins. Just quickly empty the bins before tackling the bathroom.

I ran down the stairs, went outside and felt the cool strong wind. It may rain, better take an umbrella when I go to the station. Ok, bin empty, back to the bathroom I ran, well walked quickly, in my head I was running up the stairs and ...bugger!  the wind had blown the door shut. No problem, keys are in my pocket. SH@#$$$TT!!! the keys are NOT in my pocket and F@#%^&K, I'm locked out!!!! 10:40, 20 mins to sort it all out. Oh, thank god, my phone is in my pocket, and car keys. Explaining why car and house keys are not together will take another sentence or two and right now I don't have the time, gotta keep the flow going and especially the emotions. Now, I start pacing up and down, I do this when I don't quite know what direction I should go in. Ok, the keys are with the landlord, I don't have their number but I vaguely know where they live. Anke knows both the address and number and though in Berlin at the moment, it shouldn't be too hard to reach her on the phone. Bugger! No answer, she must be out with the kids. Thilo! he should know how to get to Anke. Come on Thilo, answer the phone.....My god, doesn't anyone answer the phone on Sundays!!!  Shit, 10:45, Rita will be at the station in a few minutes and I can't get into the house. What the hell is that number for Telekom. Can never remember it when I need it. Maybe someone walking past will know. I'm sure I can find the number and address of our landlord if I can get to the Telekom directories. Nicola! My ace. He's  back in Darmstadt and always there to bail me out. Ring ring, ring ring...."Nicola, thank god you answered, listen I need to get a number and......., ..thanks Nicola, you're a gem."  Ok, got the address and number. First, pickup Rita and apologize for the hassle. Not quite the perfect first impression, but heck, it happens, ....to me and I'm sure she will get a chuckle out of it.

At the station,
Train arrives promptly at 11. I check out every person getting off the train. I know it was dark when I met Rita but I don't recognize her amongst those now leaving. Mmm, maybe she missed the train, next one in 14 mins. Oh heck, maybe she got off at the next station, I made the point just as I dropped her off on Friday, to get off 1 station before. Better jump in the car and race there in case she's waiting. Ok, I'm here, no Rita! Could she have taken a train from this station back to the other? maybe she saw me waiting at the station but couldn't get off in time and then took a train back. Ok, better go back to the original meeting point. Yes, I know. It would be easier to just ring, and dah, I did get her contact details, I'm not dumb. I just left the note she scribbled down inside the house! So I can't bloody well ring her, so bugger off let me get back to the story. I make it back to the original meeting point and there's no sign of her. My pulse rate starts to come down and I think that now I need to get the key. Ring Ring, Ring Ring, who the hell is that, Rita? Nicola? Anke?...."Hi Anke, (very calmly), oh, its nothing, I just locked myself out but I have the address now, its ok. Thanks for ringing back, no no, I have the number. Yes, it won't hurt to have you sms the numbers, but really, I have it all under control. Ok, love you too, ciao" Where the hell is Rita!!!@@##!!

Ok, no need to wait for Anke's sms, I have the number from Nicola's quick search on the internet.....06-blah-blah-blah-blah...what the F@#$%K!!! its a fax number! that ain't gonna help me. At least I know the address is right. I'll just go there and see if they are in.

At the Landlord's apartment.
No. 6....Ah, here it is. "Ding dong".....wait, wait, wait.....Mmm, should I try again, maybe they are....whatever, "ding dong"....wait, wait...Hallo,..."Ah, its me, I mean,  (calmly) "Entschudigung Fr. M###, Der wind hat gemacht das Tur zu und mein schlussel ist noch drin". after a moments pause.  Ah, Hr. A### das ist nicht schlim, ein augen blick, bitte. Ok, so I get the key and promise to return it asap. "Bip bip" Umm, that must be Anke's sms. Yep, with a different number for the landlord to what Nicola gave me. I would have needed it after all if I didn't have the address. Women, they just know, I don't know how they know, but they just know.
Ok, now let's find out what happened to Rita.

Back inside the house.
Now, where is that bloody house key? "YOU belong in my pocket, and where is my note book?"
Ah, here it is..."Ring ring, Hallo Rita. Wo bist du, sind sie ok?" "Ah, it kann nicht heute kommen....ich habe nicht dein number und es tut mei Leid" "No, no, its ok, I understand......" I said calmly. Let's make another time, Oh, and by the way I found your Kalinka song on the internet and I bravely start singing over the phone to my new singing teacher."Kalinka, kalinka, kalinka, maya...." Now, I am sure she thinks I surely need help. "Oh, that's nice, we can go through it next time."

Of course I'm actually bloody well relieved she didn't make it!!! And, just how do I feel, Umm, exhausted?, yes maybe, relieved, to a point yes,  upset, well not really, this morning chaos is not quite what I had in mind for today, but you know what, I'm use to it. I live my life dealing with small and large calamities, I never know quite when things will go pear shaped but I know it will happen again, probably sooner than I think. And, when it does, I will manage to get through it without going insane, cos I've done it before, not lost my cool, kept things in as much order as is possible in a crisis. Whether it be being locked out of the house, moments before a visitor is expected to arrive, or a car prang with people lying on the ground, my time in St. Johns ambulance gave me a good sense of emotional intelligence, over 5 years of practice in the field dealing with car accidents, bbq burns, collapsed people in church or whatever. Add that to my nature of things do go wrong, I am comfortable with it and sometimes when I give a speech, I gloss over the emotional stress and maybe my testimonials are a little superficial. I think its because having these moments of frustration, difficulty and stress happen so often that when I fall, I don't reflect too deeply in the horizontal position, I get up, dust myself off and get on with life. And in this case, add it to my blog.

How do you handle your pear shaped days, do you let your emotional insides out?

Cheers
yabby.

Don't just stand there!

This afternoon I was sitting at the dining table tinkering with some electronics when out of no where came a clash of metal from outside. It sounded like a car accident but then again, not really. I look out of the window and saw a young girl lying outstretched in front of car over a crumpled bicycle. It didn't look good. I raced outside, down the steps to the yard and could already see people with horror on their faces. Only why were they walking away! I opened the gate and could see the car was still there, and the girl had not moved. People were standing there but doing nothing. I went to the girl and saw blood on the road but could not tell from where it was coming from. The girl was lying over the bike, not moving. I reached down and placed my head near hers. Hallo, können sie mich hören? I felt her pulse and got one, it was slow and steady. I was surprised it wasn't racing and then I heard a muffle moan. I kept talking to her and got more in response. She was conscious, that was important for me to hear. She started to move and tried to get her self up. We calmed her and allowed her to move herself as much as she could without pain. I supported her to roll over and could then see more of her injuries. Her cheek had a gash but it had already stopped bleeding. Her jaw was swollen and seemed out of shape. It was hard for her to speak and when she saw the blood on the road she asked if that was hers. It immediately stressed her to see it and I tried to explain that its not much and that the bleeding has stopped. Out of the 3 or 4 people standing around, a young woman appeared and I could see she was trained. I kept the girl supported and the woman talked to her and examined her, looking for bruising or deformity in arms and legs. The girl was lucky, she had hit the car head on and there were signs of her crashing with the car bonnet. the bike had a mangled front wheel. The woman and I agreed to move her off the road and guy helped me lift the girl carefully off the road onto the footpath. I sat behind the girl and held her in my arms, stroking her hair and comforting her as much as I could. Her pulse was still slow, perhaps normal for her, and regular. I could now see that she wasn't as young as I had initially estimated. She now looked about 17, maybe 20 of Asian decent. I asked her if she had a mobile phone and wanted to contact anyone but she said there was no-one. I thought that strange and decided that maybe my German was not clear enough and decided to let the woman do the questioning so as not to confused matters. More people came to see, a neighbour came out with a blanket a pillow and I could see this was a good time to cover her up. We wrapped her in a blanket and I was still supporting her in a supine position. I could hear an  ambulance siren in the distance and was sure we wouldn't have to wait long. Instead of an ambulance, a doctor arrived and quickly opened his emergency bag. He also did a quick exam of her and then unwrapped a long oxygen tubing to be placed under her nose. I didn't notice where the oxygen bottle was but help to keep it in place and tucked the tubing behind her ears. The doctor asked her to open her mouth which was clearly a painful task, her teeth were red with blood but there were no loose or broken teeth. Her jaw was now starting to worry her, the pain was becoming more intense and she started to cry. At last the Ambulance arrive and so to did the police. The woman and doctor handed over the situation to the ambulance guys who quickly cover the area with equipment. They wanted to place a neck brace on and I took this chance to get out of their way. I was thanked for my help and the woman was especially nice about the way we worked together in keeping the girl calm.

I went back into the house and watched the police measure distances, examine the bike and talk to the driver of the car. I didn't even notice who was the driver while I was attending to the girl but now could see that the driver was a woman of about 40yrs, there were 2 young boys in the car with her. In trying to understand how the accident happened I can imagine that the girl tried to cross the road, or maybe was riding on the road, against the traffic. It happen just around a bend in the road so there would have been little chance for the driver to see the danger and for the girl to know that a car was coming.

Now, I am sure it could have been worse. The girl was lucky not to have been killed outright and we all have a little more respect for the dangerous corner that we live next to.

How fragile we all are.

Take care!

Yabby

Play kicks off

Another busy day ahead and its already 3:30pm, I should be saying that it was a busy day but after last night star party which went into the wee hrs of the night I didn't start the day until 11am. Highlight for today is the kick off dinner for the play. After weeks of auditioning and preparing to direct my first play, I have my cast and stage manager together. At 6 we will meet in Darmstadt and do a little get to know and then record the play. I plan to record it on 4 channels and then offer the cast mp3's with all 4 voices and also just the 3 others. I done this in the past and found that its a great way to learn lines. As you listen and then, all of a sudden there's a gap in dialogue, it means you just miss your cue.Just giving a thought for some icebreaker games....I wonder if they know how to play grass?

I am just so happy to have found the cast, I think they are all perfect for the roles of Vicky, Mark Judith and Eric. Having played the role of Mark some 15 years ago has helped in keeping a clear picture in my mind of the various scenes and stage setup. The lighting is simple but I have to start work on the sound effects. I need some opera music from Puccini, toilet flushing sound effects act 2 and more.

Ok, gotta finish cleaning the house and get going.

catch ya later,

Yabby

Ode To My Pants

Oh, I just found something I wrote last winter. I called it an "Ode To My Pants". It followed a discussion with Anke how it was time to get rid of my favourite pair of black jeans. It was not an easy decision to make and out of no where came this piece. As this is a multimedia blog why not use all the tools I know to present it in its original form.



Winter in Germany, 10 below zero and my jeans are wearing through.

 Always did have a sense of the dramatics.

Cheers
yabby

Star Party - Perseids

Things that are going on in my life are:
1. Preparing to direct my first play
2. Keeping the EUMETSAT astronomy club active
3. Keep from tearing out my hair, what little is left, from Treasurer role at Toastmasters
4. Full-time work in an IT Support job
5. Wanting to sing scat
6. Wanting to sing!

I won't try to cover all the topics in this post but I would like to start with an event I organised on behalf of the astronomy club. A star party to watch the Perseids at the Gr. Feldberg.

Helge suggested I use facebook to help create the event and, in truth, I used both facebook and emails to reach friends and others interested in the astronomy club activities. The weather was so unpredictable with many rainy patches for the whole week prior to the event that I'm not surprised people didn't think it would work out. However, I had insider information. His name is Tim, a weather man who gave me a figure of 10% chance for rain on Friday night and more than 70% chance of clear skies. I mean, these guys get the data straight off the weather satellites, who is going to argue.

On driving up to the Feldberg there was signs of recent rain but the sky was relatively clear. I held faith in Tim and didn't realise at that time that Tim was already on the hill taking cover from a small but significant shower. Still, we had a completely clear sky from sundown to 2am and time enough for all of us to see meteors streak across the sky. The Perseids were fabulous and the event deemed a success.

Now I wish I took more pics but using the flash was generally not appreciated by the 15-20 people that attended. Sadly, I'm not yet geared up for a long exposure shot of the night sky to show off any falling stars but maybe next year.

What am I thinking?

I really don't have time to blog. No, really...I don't. This is surely just another form of procrastination, though a positive one.

Its been on my mind to start a blog, for years actually. I started teaching business English in 2003 and online journals known as web log (blog) was one of the topics for intermediate students. Alas, I never started before today.

Today is special. I'm enjoying another of Frankfurt's rainy days and missing my daughter Kas, sister Vitty and Dad too. Dad has been especially on my mind this week with news that his hearing has deteriorated. Talking to Dad on the phone, albeit every few months at best, was something I enjoyed. Its true that the best connection recently has been by letter. Maybe this blog will offer another means of keeping on contact.

Most importantly I would like to dedicate this blog to my family and especially to Kas.

Cheers